i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
