So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
