I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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