Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
FUCK WHALES
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