Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
