I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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