The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
