Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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