I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
