In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
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