watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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