Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
