My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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