dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
She told me I should be a condom model.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
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