You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
