mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
