I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
