sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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