You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
