Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I forgot how hot balto sounded
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
they call him Oral-B. enough said
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
