omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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