I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
