I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
