God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
