Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
