What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
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