So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
