What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
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