I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
