I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Randomize
