so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
my shit smells like andre
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
