At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
