based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
