there was a trapeze. enough said
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
