he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
