Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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