So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
