remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize
