there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
