I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
