So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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