I'm laying in your front yard are you home
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
