decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
