no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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