Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
you never un-have a 4some
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize