Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
