It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
