i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Hippo gnu deer
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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