My friends, they love my intelligence
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
