This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
