I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
