I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
