I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
