Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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