my phone needs a breathalizer
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I love you. Go after that dick
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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