I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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