Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
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