He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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