Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
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