Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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