What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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