cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
