Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
