I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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